Finding Courage in Fear & Strength in Vulnerability
This weekend I attended the March for Our Lives rally and march in San Francisco. The speakers I heard in person, as well as in the news media across the country, were brave and inspiring youth. I felt motivated by their voices and encouraged by their spirit. Many of them bravely shared their fear and boldly expressed their outrage about the series of mass shootings this country has experienced in the last decade.
What struck me the most was not only the huge amount of vulnerability they had in stating their fear and anger, but also their grounded ferocity to take action and demand action. This new voice is refreshing, hopeful and inspiring.
art: Micah Bazant
Lately I’ve been speaking with others about my work and projects to facilitate healing for marginalized peoples (victims and survivors of traumatic of abuse, LGBTQ folks). The feedback I’ve gotten on my messaging is, “People don’t want to do healing work, they just want to feel better,” or, “Admitting they have trauma is scary for people.” These ideas may be true, and I believe that our culture has enabled people to stay powerless in these places of fear and dissociation. Our systems of “support” encourage us to take prescription medications that mask our ailments, instead of doing the hard to work to heal. They support us to forget about what made us sick, instead of confronting and addressing the origin of the cause.
But these teenage activists are shining a light on this, saying, “Wake up! No More! #NeverAgain! #EnoughIsEnough!” They are showing us how to take courage in the face of fear. They are proving that strength comes from being vulnerable and brutally honest with ourselves.
Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” This new movement is inspiring me to be brave and powerful in my vulnerability.
It’s also important for us to be vulnerable with ourselves — to face our own inner challenges, be honest with ourselves and find the courage to heal our wounded hearts. Once we have done our own inner work, we are more able to do the work for our community, our country and our planet.
~ Nick Vengoni
If you are a LGBT/Queer person who is ready to heal your wounded heart, check out my workshop, “Reclaiming the Magic of Your Queer Power.”
It will next be offered for gay men in Los Angeles, April 13-15th.
Future dates for ALL queer people are coming soon.
How To Re-Wild Your Natural Spirit
Exploring sports triggered violence and healthy ways to express aggression.
This last weekend was the Super Bowl game that happens once a year in the U.S. It’s a pretty big deal for many people, even those who aren’t big football fans. It ends up being a time to get together and cheer on with some friends. Good fun.
But there comes a change when the game ends. Soon after the winning team is declared, the fans of that team begin to churn up wild, primordial energy. This energy becomes violent and destructive, as they take to the streets and begin to damage property, overturning cars and smashing windows. Remember, these are the happy winners. So, why does this happen?
Every man has a wild beast within him.
– Frederick the Great
In a recent article, Why do fans riot after a win? The science behind Philadelphia’s Super Bowl chaos, the authors interview multiple social psychologists with a few ideas. First of all, they say that as humans, we strive to belong and be part of a group, and being a fan of team gives us that experience. When you have a sense of belonging, you feel less isolated and alone, and you are generally happier and more productive in your life. Awesome! (This is also in alignment with recent studies about how isolation and loneliness are significant precursors to addiction.) They go on to say that when a fans team wins, their testosterone levels increase, which leads to aggression. Add to this the consumption of alcohol and the poor decision making of mob mentality, and you have the perfect recipe for riot.
A man without ethics is a wild beast loosed upon this world.
– Albert Camus
The phenomenon of sports riots is not the only example of this wildness itching to break free in our culture. There are many other events that people love attending so they can be part of a group, break out of their shell and let loose their animal spirit. In San Francisco we have many street fairs and other nearby events which are the perfect petri dish for just this: Halloween, SantaCon, St. Patrick’s Day, How Weird Street Fair, Bay to Breakers, Burning Man, and more. Most of these events are the perfect venue for such expression, and generally do not cause (much) damage to other people or property.
How to re-wire your brain and re-wild your spirit.
I’m no expert, but I have a few ideas. I do think it’s necessary to have a space for healthy expression of aggression and destruction; to express the energy and impulses that testosterone creates in our body and mind; to surrender to our wild beast. I believe that space is in nature. And I believe that it might be because of our disconnection with nature that we have this pent up animal energy that yearns to be expressed.
The natural world is constantly creating and destroying (or transforming) all around us: waves crashing on the shore breaking up rocks and shells; fires burning down forests and homes; earthquakes shaking the ground beneath us and reforming the landscape. These aggressive impulses are a natural part of life and cannot be repressed. Connecting to these aspects of nature can help us to release our own energy and hold us while we do it.
Practically this can take many forms: running through a forest, chopping wood, digging holes to plant trees, throwing heavy rocks over a cliff or into water, pulling weeds in your garden, burning old branches from pruned trees, going to the beach and screaming at the waves, dancing or drumming around a bonfire, swimming under a waterfall. These are all ways to connect your wild spirit to the power of nature and productively move that energy through you. *These ideas are encouraged to be done safely and mindfully.
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one WILD and precious life?
– Mary Oliver
I challenge you to take your sport and play with nature. Release your wild-ness to the wilderness, and let it teach you about the productivity of aggression.
~ Nick Venegoni
Embraced By Your Self: Cultivating Inner Support in the Face of Isolation & Loneliness
I have lived in my apartment building for over 10 years now and I still don’t know all my neighbors. My building only has eighteen units. People come and go — some faster than others. The idea of living among strangers in such a small building feels odd to me, but it’s a reality.
City living can be paradoxically lonely. We’re all too busy to attend to every person we encounter, with our heads down, earphones in, desperately trying to escape isolation.
Many people struggle to connect because of anxiety or depression, feeling abandoned and alone. They may have no family, no community, no networks on which to lean. How can they find support? Where can they seek refuge from the cold loneliness?
In Buddhist teachings there is a clear pathway to seek refuge from suffering in the three jewels: the Buddha (the divine within and without), the Dharma (spiritual teachings or life path) and the Sangha (community). For those who struggle to find community and have no particular spiritual path, there is always access to the divine.
What is the divine? I like to keep this concept loose and open to personal definition. The divine can be a god or spirit you believe in, or it can simply be that part of yourself (no matter how small it may seem) that you cherish: your creativity, your caring heart, your wise mind. It is that part of you which, when you are connected to it, the outside world and a sense of time seem to melt away.
There are many ways to connect and practice cultivating with your own personal divinity. Make art, sing, dance, play. See art, listen to music, watch others dance and play. Volunteer, help others, connect with nature and animals. Exercise and feel strength in your body. Exercise your heart through practices appreciation and gratitude. Meditate, connect with spirit. Clean your home, solve math problems, build something. Challenge yourself, explore, grow.
It’s important to remember these parts of yourself, and to cultivate them during challenging times of isolation. By cultivating this connection, those challenging moments will pass more quickly and easily.
If you are a queer person who would like to cultivate a connection to some inner support and guidance, join me next week for a free webinar: Meet Your Queer Spirit Guide. Tuesday, August 22nd @ 6 PM. More info and registration here.
Failure: The Other “F” Word
There is a common four-letter “F” word that is used a lot and I want to take away its power: FAIL. In our culture there is so much pressure put on us to succeed, that to fail has become the worst thing next to death. Failing has become a dirty secret that no one wants to admit, out of fear of being brandished with a scarlet F.
In a recent interview on Fresh Air, Terry Gross interviewed David Sedaris about his new book in which he discusses many things, including his relationship to addiction and the rise of his success. In discussing his career, Sedaris mentions that he’d dreamed of being the successful author he is today, but he also feared failure. He implied that his father expected him to fail, so it was scary for Sedaris to announce his dreams of fame because if they didn’t come to fruition, then his fathers’ expectations would have. Failure was a dark cloud waiting for him at the end of the road.
With clients, I hear failure mostly in regards to relationships or careers: I got divorced because my marriage was failing. / If this relationship ends, it means I’m a failure! I’ll never have a successful relationship. / I totally bombed my presentation today! Now my boss knows for sure I’m a failure.
What I hear in this these statements is harsh self judgement and criticism, which in turn is a form of dis-empowerment. When we have a harsh inner critic or we continually judge ourselves, wearing down our self-esteem, we are beating ourselves up from the inside out. This behavior only depletes our confidence and inner strength — they are not acts of self-compassion or self-love.
Yes, it’s important and helpful to have self discipline and motivation to help us strive to do better in our lives. But when we do it in a violent way that tears us down, that is not helpful.
What is helpful is to look at each situation and to treat ourselves with fierce compassion. Think about the way a favorite teacher may have helped you – firmly with care they point out your mistake and help you see where to make improvements, without criticizing or discouraging your efforts.
It is important to be mindful of all the ways we speak to ourselves. We can be our own teacher when we make mistakes – firm and caring. Mistakes, errors, and even failures are all learning opportunities. They allow us to see where we need to focus our attention for improvement. The opportunities for growth and improvement in our lives are endless. Take every failure as an chance for evolution, and don’t let the inner critic stop you in your tracks.
Why We Are Our Own Worst Critic: The Challenge of Self-Compassion
Do people ever say to you, “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” and your inner voice replies with something like, “But I don’t know how not to,” or “If I’m not, who will? I won’t get very far in life”?
One of my yoga teachers talks about the “Little Man” in our head who tells us how we’re not going to succeed. “You can’t balance on one leg for five seconds – you will fall! You’re not good enough for them – they’re out of your league! You have to do everything yourself – you’re a loser and no one is going to help you! You’re gonna miss that bus, then you’ll be late to work, and then you’ll lose your job!”
All of these messages come from that voice in your head & can really beat you down, causing stress, anxiety, depression, and self-hatred. The majority of the time we are our own worst critic.
But here is the secret: That voice is not really you! You may think it is you because it’s coming from inside of you and and it sounds like you; but it’s not a part of you. That voice and those messages are a part of someone or something else. They grew from a little seed (or 2 or 20 seeds) that you unknowingly swallowed along time ago.
From a psychological perspective this is called an introjection. An introjection is “the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others.” These voices or messages in your head are just ideas from someone else you started to believe without question.
Not all introjections are negative or make us feel bad about ourselves, but it’s wise to be curious about all of our unconscious beliefs. Introjections can be ideas we picked up from our family or community about religion and spirituality, politics and money, sex and identity, race and culture. They can also be ideas about who we are – things that people told us about ourselves as we grew up.
So, if you grew up in a home where you received messages about being smart, attractive and successful, after a while you probably started to believe that was true because it’s what the authorities in your life told you. And if your school environment was supportive of your growth, encouraging you to think critically and told you you were smart, then you probably believed that too. But imagine if you had parents and teachers who were unhappy, stressed, angry or sick, and blamed your for their suffering. If this went on for a few years, then after a while you started to believe that it’s true. We internalize these messages about ourself and the Little Man is not so nice – he is our own worst critic, judge and tormentor.
Now the question becomes, How do I get rid of the Little Man? I believe that the Little Man is not something we want to get rid of, but something to change. That voice is something which can be helpful when it says things which help us feel good about ourselves. It takes time to change that voice and the messages. It’s takes consciousness, awareness and effort. Think of it as retraining your brain to think differently about yourself.
This is where self-compassion comes in to help soften the voice and soothe the Little Man, so he doesn’t get defensive when you tell him he’s wrong. That would be like arguing and yelling “Shut Up! You’re wrong!” That’s not going to help someone change their thinking. Self-compassion brings in a level of understanding your own suffering allows the mind to open to other possibilities. This takes time and discipline, just as with any new skill we learn.
One of the best tools for working on this is practicing a Loving-Kindness meditation (or Metta from the Buddhist tradition). This practice has two parts: sending loving-kindness to yourself and to others. For the practice of self compassion I suggest focusing just on yourself. The basic practice is to get into a mindful state and focus on this mantra:
May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease.
I suggest starting with just five minutes a day, every day. Over time these messages will start to become more natural and automatic, and eventually the Little Man may adopt them into his arsenal.
There are many other ways to work with introjections and cultivating self-worth and self-esteem, such as working with a therapist. This is just one way to begin the work on your own.
~ May you be free from suffering ~
– Nick Venegoni, MFT
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